Just me.

Ah, the formal. My first formal. It was on September 29th, from 7:30 pm to 11:00 pm.
I got my hair and make-up done before going to Linda's house, and then going to the formal with Linda and Virginia and Alice.
It was all such a waste of money. 
But fun nevertheless!

I've put my favourite photos on my Flickr account:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/evilflic
...make sure you see them!

I can't be bothered to write much about the formal, though I have a list...

Cutest couples:
Fi & Brandon <Smiling all the time!
Moe & Lawrence <They're just friends, no matter how hard we try to make them hug each other...
Jackie & Kit <Kit likes Jackie, but Jackie has other ideas...!
Sammi & Lenn <They really do love each other.
Nessa & Gez <Such a cute (and reluctant) honky couple! They hardly danced, though.
Claire L. & Seb <Just friends! And Seb gave Claire a foot massage.
Steph & Richard <So in love.
Mash & Chris <Cute.
Claire W. & Ed <And Claire said she wasn't bringing anyone!

I'm quite glad I didn't bring anyone this year. There was no pressure on me to slowdance! But the dancing, in general, was a lot of fun.

I'm also glad I didn't go to the afters, considering how many people got drunk... or 'smashed' as Vanessa says...
But next year, I'll bring someone just for the heck of it.

I liked my dress this year but next year I'll wear more comfortable shoes.

-Flic.

A psychoanalysis of myself?!

It would usually seem unwise to share secrets with strangers, but in this tiny world (or microscopic, Libby?) nobody is a complete stranger.

Hence, read on...

Some things about you (the person I love):

Your quietness and gentleness makes me want to tame my rebellious spirit, and melt into the soft form of the demure young lady that I am not, but so often pretend to be. I act more subdued and mature around you. I'm not trying to change myself for you, I just find that I innately behave in a more 'grown-up' way when you're near. It's in my nature.

Your eyes tell me what your lips do not dare to. You manage to communicate to me without speaking to make me shut up when I've said too much. Somehow, I know when I've gone too far- when I've trespassed on your soul a little too far by walking through those carefully constructed fences around your mind. I keep pushing the fences back and breaking them, though, and little by little you're revealing yourself to me. I hope to one day be able to walk straight through your mind without it being considered trespassing.

You may not have the confident approach to life and attitude that many guys your age do, but you have the heart of an angel- and I've yet to find any other guy quite like you. Don't look down so shyly when our eyes meet for more than a split second. Let me communicate with you more deeply.

Though others may not see you as physically attractive, I do. When I first met you, it wasn't 'love at first sight'- and love at first sight isn't really love anyway.

It's always so painful for me to even type the word 'love', because I'm still coming to terms with how I feel about you, although I now realise that I definitely love you.

I'm cognisant of the fact that many people my age (girls particularly) have incorrect perceptions of what true love actually is.

They immerse themselves in little bubbles of artificial 'love' where the only people in the bubble are them and the person they 'love'. They forget the outside world and lose sight of reality. They emerge later with broken hearts, and claim to have learnt their lesson, only to repeat their entire disastrous ordeal of being 'in love'. I wish they would learn the real lesson- a lesson which I eventually learnt this year- and find true love. You can't really label an emotion 'love' if it isn't true love. It's either true, or it isn't. A crush is different; a crush is slightly more superficial and more based on 'liking' them than loving them. Put simply; you'd die for someone you truly love, but in your heart of hearts, you wouldn't die for a crush (even though you may claim you would).

I hate how girls my age usually judge guys on their appearance, usually placing personality second on their list of guys-must-have attributes. I've heard people say "I saw this really hot guy, yeah, oh my god, he was so hot, I like him!" innumerable times- I go to an all-girls school. Such superficiality should surely not be so openly admitted; if that's the reason they 'like' the guy, they should keep it to themselves and feel ashamed at their own shallowness. If you really want to judge someone based on looks, judge them on what you see within them.

People reading this blog may think that I exaggerate my feelings, ideas and thoughts.

Their perception of me may be entirely warped by what they read here. In my blog, I write things that I could never utter aloud. That's although I'm a public speaker, my words flow more naturally and make more sense when I write them. Somehow allowing my deeper thoughts and feelings to flow from my fingertips across a page is easier for me than simply opening my mouth and speaking them. I like to write in my blog because it provides me with a record of how I've thought and felt and how I've changed mentally and emotionally. I also like it when people comment because they usually have some sort of advice which ends up being useful to me- I'm always willing to listen to others. Please leave comments.

People reading this blog, if they don't know me that well, should probably get a general idea about me.

To describe myself simply (although asking best friend would be a better way of finding out about my character), I'd only have to use 10 words.

Resourceful, secretive, imaginative, perceptive, vociferous, kind, humorous, narcissistic, intelligent, talkative.

These words, when combined and blended with a few other words and ideas, pretty much form the basis of me. This sounds like a selfish and self-centered blog, but that's what blogs are for- people read blogs to understand more about their authors.

But as you can see based on my little description above, I'm not really the type of person who easily gives way to 'crushes'. This may surprise some of you who may have read other blog entries of mine. I might make occasional references to Whitlam, Jay, 'THG' and 'Fob Boy', but I don't really like them. I only love one person- and yes, I love him.

If I make a big deal over someone I claim to have a 'crush' on, please don't take me too seriously. I'll have to admit this now; It's just my way of disguising how I really feel and diverting people's attention away from my deeper feelings. For as long as I can remember, this 'tactic' has always been something I've resorted to naturally. I've done it since I was a small child- faked my emotions in order to disguise my true ones.

People sometimes ask me why I'm hardly ever nervous and why I'm so confident, and I usually just shrug- it's a question I can't really answer. I've never been able to just verbally admit that I'm not altogether such a confident person as I may seem, nor am I as 'cool, calm and collected' as I often appear. In truth, my friends will know that I actually rarely appear calm or collected- I'm an extrovert. But I'm usually an extrovert of false emotions.

I try not to feel sorry for myself, and I don't like others feeling sympathetic towards me. I want to appear as a stronger person than I really am, so that people won't dare to hurt me. Somehow, I always end up being hurt anyway.

Does anybody venture this deep into their own mind in search of their true self and sprinkle their findings across the pages of their blog as regularly as I do? I think not. I think my blog is quite unique in that sense. I surprise even myself with how open I am able to be on my blog. I'm often embarrassed about some of the things that I write, but I write them anyway. I know I'll be glad in the future when I have these amazingly comprehensive blogs to look back on and see how I've changed.

So, the whole point of this entry?

I've finally realised that I can't disguise the truth any more. I'm in love, and I know it.

It's just that... he'll never, ever, ever love me back...

I'm expecting that one of the comments left on this entry will be left by someone who doesn't realise she knows 'him'.

Nobody knows who 'he' is apart from me and two close friends.

Even then, they've never met him nor seen him.

'He' is one of my best-kept secrets. There is only one person left to reveal the truth to (apart from him, of course, but I'm never going to tell him). I think she'll be surprised when I eventually tell her.

I'll have to ensure that she doesn't go and tell him what I tell her. I'm going to make sure he never finds out I love him, and try to get over him quietly. It's so difficult to just 'get over him', and I suspect that I may never do so...

Parting note: Stay strong, Joey. It'll all be over soon. Death isn't the way out of this. Let your parents sort it out themselves. Lots of people experience what you currently are, it's common; you're not alone. Your friends will always be there for you. If you need a hand to hold, a shoulder to lean on, and someone to listen to you, I'll always be here for you. Stay strong, pull through it all. Stay strong, help your family.

Stay strong, Joey, stay strong.

-Flic.

I've 'bolded' certain words and sentences in this entry to either kill or thrill your eyes. Sorry if you find it annoying, but I like it.

It seems to me that love can cross language barriers.

Who would have thought things would turn out this way?

Hah, the return of the ultra-fob boyfriend...

<name omitted> and I are back together.

As you know from reading my previous entry, I 'dumped' him right after our first date. I wasn't impolite or anything, I simply said "I don't think we should go out again after today." and he replied with "okay then."

So you see, I thought he was unaffected by my decision to reject him.

I was wrong. When I went for a walk around the Chatswood/Roseville/Lindfield/Killara area yesterday morning, I set my phone on 'Loud' (it's normally on silent), in case mum or dad called to tell me to hurry up and come home. I walked up towards Molly's place (which is in Killara), but when I was walking down her street, her uncle drove past and saw me, and I figured he might not like me coming over randomly during the middle of the day (even though he is nice), and due to some other reasons as well, I turned around and began to walk home, laughing my head off. I was texting Angela (who was stuck on a stupid Fathers' Day cruise in Darling Harbour with several drunk adults who were singing karaoke) on the way back, and I also called Molly to tell her how I'd almost reached her house. She told me that her uncle had asked her if I'd come over that day, and when she said "No..." he was like "HUH?! I saw her on our street...", so I was laughing really hard. I was walking down Pacific Highway past the shops in Lindfield, when my phone rang. I was right outside Coles and the pool shop at that busy intersection, so if it wasn't for the 'vibration' setting on my phone, I wouldn't have realised it was ringing over all the noise of the traffic. It turned out it was HIM.

Somehow, even through all the noise of the traffic, his lack of English, and his fobby accent, I managed to work out what he was saying to me.

"Flic, why did it have to end? You hardly gave me a chance. Can't you give me a chance to prove to you that we should be together?"

Well, it was more like...

"Flic, it didn't have to end la... give me a chance... aiya, can I show you at least we should go out?"

I actually thought I misheard him at first, and I asked him to repeat what he said. He reiterated his sentence in slightly clearer and better English.

I wasn't really sure what to say. True, I had felt so much regret and guilt when I initially rejected him- I felt that it was awful to have to discontinue things just because of language barriers. He is such a sweet guy (and he's damn hot too!), and I felt really bad for dumping him. I had spent the rest of that night wishing that either he knew English or I knew Mandarin...

So,  I said "Well, what do you wanna do? Go out again?"

And I got the response "Yeah la, I was asking you that...will we?"

I think he was a little discouraged by the stunned silence that was my response to what he'd just said, so I quickly said "Um yeah, I'll see, later, I don't know if I'm free..."

I was quite surprised with how he reacted to my answer. He was almost angry, though I'd have to say it was more impatience and frustration which he conveyed to me through his tone of voice over the phone. "Aiya not later! Tell me now! Do you just hate me? Why do you hate me la? You try to get rid of me... fine la, if you don't want me, tell me!"

I think I must just be a soft hearted person, or something similarly pathetic- I agreed to meet up with him again sometime this week.

'Sometime this week' turned out to be yesterday afternoon.

Whilst my parents and brothers went out for three hours furniture shopping around Double Bay and Mosman and that area, I went to Chatswood to meet him.

Everything went alright- and I could see he was evidently making a conscious effort to improve his English.

He bought me something really cute. I'll bring it to school on Wednesday.

I like him. I think I love him, and I know he loves me. But then again, relationships are usually unpredictable- who knows what might happen between us. Unfortunately, I have to admit that I still like that *other* person, whose name I won't disclose- most of my friends know who he is anyway.

Until then, I hope he learns some more English... and Molly, can you teach me some more Mandarin?!

Haha, I'm such a bad influence, and I'm corrupting Angela...

She sent me a message when she was on that stupid cruise to tell me that some of the adults were drunk and they were starting the karaoke, and I replied "Get some alki!!!"

Oh well, she's only like 5 months younger than me, although she's the year below me. Not complete and utter corruption. I hope she has fun at the snow this week, and a HAPPY BIRTHDAY on September 9th! I have to buy her a present this week... these things would be so much easier if we went to the same school...

I have nothing else to say other than ARGH OH MY F*CKING GOD I HAVE MY ECONOMICSS EXAM TOMORROW!!!

MustgoandstudyBYE!

-Flic.

Hellooo readers.
Yesterday I went out with somebody. No big deal really. I just sneaked out of the house whilst my parents were trying to fix the garden gate (it broke) for two hours. Yes, I know I should've been doing Economics, but I'd done enough Eco already. I went down to Chatswood with *him*. I feel guilty, though. Things didn't go so well. You see, I met him on Tursday, and we hardly spoke at the time. However, he managed to get my email and number off Joey, and he talked to me that night and asked if I wanted to go to Chatti with him sometime soon. He's a nice guy, so I said yes. Since I'd hardly ever spoken to him, I didn't notice his fob-ness...
Basically, his English is appalling.
I could hardly understand a word he was saying when on our 'date'. His accent was really strong too. He's Chinese and he speaks Mandarin- I don't understand any Mandarin except 'Piao yi' (from Initial D), and my Cantonese is pretty nonexistant anyway. I think the whole time we were more focussed on understanding each other's speech than getting to know each other!
So, I told him afterwards that I didn't think I wanted to go out with him again. He seemed fine with that- I think he was frustrated with me because I'd always say 'huh?!' after every sentence he uttered...

It's Fathers' Day today. We're having a nice lunch, and we went out with the rest of our family last night for dinner, too.

Speaking of fathers, mine is telling me to get off the computer.

Bye!

-Flic.

None of what is in the cut tag above is exaggerated. It's all truth.

Anyway.

I'm still studying for the Economics exam which is on Tuesday. Since I'm 'accelerating' I get to have the Monday off school to study. STUDY. I will NOT be bludging, so I wish people would stop saying they envy me... it's not really a day OFF if I'm still studying!

Only 6 more days until I can see him again. It's been a tough two weeks without seeing him. I can't wait to see him again!!! We're going to Chatswood after school together on Friday. Bliss.

I have to go now anyway. Sorry if that sounded blunt; I'm just in a rush.
One note before I go: I just realised I only have just over a term left of Year 10!!!

Bye.

-Flic.

Several people approached me at school today requesting that I update my blogs more often.

Are they serious?! As IF I don't blog often enough!

Anyway.

I caught the train to school today. I did see THG (The Hot Guy) but he was seated a few rows in front of me, and I was far too shy to go and sit next to him. I did, however, find myself sitting next to a relatively hot boy.
He was asian, with slightly spikey hair, no glasses, really beautiful eyes, a sweet smile, and dark skin.
Unfortunately, he was a Knox boy. 
Never forget; Pymble Ladies' College Rule #1: Don't date Knox boys.
He appeared to be seriously hitting on me, and I found myself experiencing sickening gymnophoria.
It was disgusting to see how he attempted to shift towards me centimeter by centimeter along the seat. He managed to sit so that his shoulder was constantly brushing mine. He kept talking to me, so I ignored his sphallolalia and barred him after three minutes. Remind me to apologise to him if I ever encounter him in the future. 
However, I conclude that he is a fag. Oh how I judge humanity.

Denial is certainly more than just a river in Europe, as I'm discovering. Stop rolling your eyes at my pun...
For all you ultracrepidarians who've decided to voice your opinions about the state of my love life, I suggest you find an activity more worthy of your time. I am rarely open to suggestions if they're about my relationships.

Shall I begin a nudiustertian rant or shall I cease my pretentious use of 'big words'? Ah, I shall ignore your exsibilation, and continue by apologising for my lalochezia in one of my recent blog entries which must've made me sound like a maledicent...
These words are probably not even in the dictionary. They're just handy little things I absorb over time because I read so extensively. Google them if you're unsure of their meanings.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention- I saw the unbelievably, extraordinary, astonishingly attractive older brother (he's 19) of one of my best friends today. I hadn't seen him for over two weeks, and he drove to my school to pick my friend up today. I swear our eyes met for a not-so-brief moment...! Shame he has a girlfriend. Damn that Japanese exchange student, she got to sit next to him in the car when he was driving because she's staying at my friend's house. Ah, he's so damn hot... but my friend shall remain anonymous for obvious reasons...

I had a Science test (Chemistry) today. It wasn't so bad.
All I did in English today was compose poetry. It's beautiful, if I may be so arrogant as to say so myself.
I also got another High Distinction for writing today. What I cannot understand is why I've already received a 'Medal Winner' certificate for attaining a perfect score, and yet I've just been given another certificate for the same competition. I think it's because a medal is different to a High Distinction, and therefore I get both...
Beats me, I dunno... I'm intelligent enough to get the medal but too stupid to work out why I got the medal...

By the way- I let my muse have a little fun today...

Selfish Murderer

The spider crawls along its silken web
Each tiny claw picks at each shining thread
Shall it continue if its strength does ebb
Or shall it curl itself and die instead?

A fly with flailing legs and shining wings
Is trapped amongst the carcases of friends
The spider crawls along its silver strings
And so the squirming fly's life quickly ends.

The filipendulous and risky dance
The spider dances just to stay alive-
He leaves defenceless flies without a chance;
And murders selfishly just to survive.

As you can see, this poem is in the very early stages and requires huge amounts of polishing. I wrote it in 8 minutes (I timed myself) and therefore require people to read it and review it, and suggest improvements.

Have I unintentionally omitted anything from this entry that I'll realise later and regret? Hmmm, let's see...
Nope, my brain has been emptied of all words.

In that case- enjoy the remainder of this 24-hour hunk we call a Tuesday.
Bye all.

-Flic.

You might be wondering why I changed the title of this blog to 'Keys without locks.'.
Trust me, I did have a reason...

Keys. What are they? Keys are what you type with on a computer keyboard, keys in relation to music relate to the tone and pitch of the music, keys can open locks, and keys are important points or clues.

Everything relates to my blog.

I type with keys. Everything comes from my mind to this blog via the keys. Self explanatory, really.

Being a musical person, the key of a musical piece is important to me and I can instantly recognise it when I hear it. Keys relate to the tone of the piece. The tone relates to the mood. Tone and mood, and therefore keys, can be associated with this blog.

Keys can open locks. I can use this blog like a key to open the locks of my mind.

Keys are important points or clues. There are plenty of them in my blog...

But why keys without locks?

Because this blog has no limits. I can write whatever I want, whenever I want, however I want and for whatever reason I want.
Through these keys I can let my thoughts flow.

Sorry for the long, boring and repetitive explanation. My muse is thoroughly exhausted for today. I must put her to bed. Perhaps I'll give her a glass of wine first.
I painted my fingernails black today. "Black fingernails, red wine..."- do you recognise these lyrics? (Rhetorical question, you idiots. But anyway- Hint: Panic! At the disco.")
Now imagine me having a relaxing night in tonight. You get the idea. But Bacardi tastes so much better than wine...

I really write too much.
Can't help it though...
My keys have no locks.

-Flic.

I learnt something new today about life.

Life: Despite its many ugly aspects, it's beautiful.

Today my grandma gave me a gold bracelet because of a special achievement of mine a few weeks ago.
I love how it catches the light and sparkles.
It's beautiful.

Someone commented on my Windows Live Space about the person I love- immediately after the person they love posted a comment.
I love watching the words of young love fill my Windows Live Space.
It's beautiful.

There are heavenly scented cherry blossoms clustering around the slender black branches of their trees on Hill Street, opposite to Roseville Train Station.
I love to walk beneath the fragrant pink flowers.
When a breeze blows, tiny soft delicate petals float along and scatter across the dark pavement and on my hair.
It's beautiful.

Someone I love made a red paper crane today. I took it.
It's precious to me because he made it.
I love him so much.
Today, he told me about some irresponsible behaviour on his part earlier this year.
Although I've never told him- I love him no matter what he does.
His perfectly crafted little crane sits on my shelf now.
It reminds me of him. He's beautiful.
It's beautiful.

Life has so many ugly moments. It also has moments worth remembering. I live for these beautiful moments.
Once you strip away its many imperfections, injustices and problems, you'll realise that life is wonderful.
I realised today how much I love life.
I really hope I don't ruin my life. I've decided that, from this day onwards, I'll try harder in everything I do.
I'm disappointed that today I wasn't able to resist temptation when my parents left an opened bottle of wine out in the kitchen. Lately, I've really been having too much alcohol. I'm going to try and cut down on my consumption of it- I'm 15, and therefore underage by three years. When I'm older, I don't want to look back on my life with a disappointed shake of the head.
I'm determined to suceed in life and enjoy life- to create a life that I'll be proud of someday.
I love my life.
It's beautiful.

-Flic.